[Thor's hesitation melts away as he lets himself feel everything he's held at bay so far. He wasn't ashamed to cry in front of Taako, but he maintained some composure for him and then kept it all to himself from then on.
His head leans down so he can rest their foreheads together, briefly. Loki has been a trouble to him, he won't deny it. Maybe his life would be easier without him, without the betrayal and the search and the fight for him. Maybe this was the only way to rest that cycle.
Maybe. But Thor's world already seems bleaker for it. The glimmers of hope he had for the future are fading with every word he hears about their future. The picture he's had in his head of their battle and their victory together is crumpling far sooner than he thought.]
I don't want you to go. [Thor echoes, soulful. His voice shudders when he says it.] I don't want to live through it.
[ Oh. Oh Thor. Never had Loki thought his brother would say that and his heart aches. Selfish. He knew that but he could never bear Thor's suffering that well. It seemed too heavy a thing for him to truly wish to cause, even when he was bitter. He leans against Thor, brushing his fingers against Thor's neck, soothing and cool. ]
You need to live. And when you'll come back — I'll be here.
[Thor inhales through his nose and breathes out, slowly, through his mouth. It does little to stop the tears, but it stops him from being the blubbering mess he could be.
His hand moves to rest over Loki's and he squeezes his eyes shut, letting himself be soothed. He's desperately wanting Loki to reveal a trick or a misdirection that he's been hiding until now.
Instead, he instills in Thor what he already knew was inevitable and he grits his teeth, clenching his jaw for a moment before he opens his eyes again.]
They're sending me, soon. They told me the other day, everything is almost in order.
[ He wonders which is worse. Loki telling Thor now and Thor returning to that time or if Loki had staved it off. There is no right answer, he finds. And Loki has never liked ignorance, even when he chooses to wield it as his weapon of choice. Instead Loki wipes away Thor's tears as if they were his own. Someone who was crying for him.
What a strange and hurtful thing. Not to be meaningless. What was he, Loki, supposed to do with that? He forces a tremulous smile. ]
[If Loki of all people can force a smile through this, Thor can too. He smiles past the tears, warm as ever as he studies Loki's face. He can't count how many times he's longed for this feeling of resolution with his brother, where everything feels so absolute.
That it came at such a cost is so cruel, it almost makes Thor want to laugh. It exasperates him to know that he has everything here and that he will have to willingly return to nothing. It's as if happiness together is an unattainable goal. Something that comes and goes as it pleases, moving further and further out of reach.
He shuts his eyes, letting Loki wipe away his tears before he opens them again. His gaze is softer this time, he's growing to be at peace with his fate. Somehow.]
You've already made me prouder than you'll ever know. [Thor lets himself laugh, lightly.] Proud and terribly, terribly frustrated.
[ Thor wasn't wrong. There was only one person Loki would do this for. It hadn't changed when they went to Svartalfheim. And it hasn't changed now. His head bows from the weight. I could have done it. The words were a scar on his soul that never fully healed after his fall from the Bifrost. After his father had told him otherwise. His life was spent chasing after that phantom wish.
Was it true, finally? He blinks away the wet sheen from his eyes. ]
[ Loki nods, though whether he believes is another matter altogether. But if Thor believes it, so can Loki. ]
When I — fell long ago . . . he was the one who found me. Who — taught me many things. Things I never wanted, but I thought — I thought it would make it easier.
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His head leans down so he can rest their foreheads together, briefly. Loki has been a trouble to him, he won't deny it. Maybe his life would be easier without him, without the betrayal and the search and the fight for him. Maybe this was the only way to rest that cycle.
Maybe. But Thor's world already seems bleaker for it. The glimmers of hope he had for the future are fading with every word he hears about their future. The picture he's had in his head of their battle and their victory together is crumpling far sooner than he thought.]
I don't want you to go. [Thor echoes, soulful. His voice shudders when he says it.] I don't want to live through it.
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You need to live. And when you'll come back — I'll be here.
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His hand moves to rest over Loki's and he squeezes his eyes shut, letting himself be soothed. He's desperately wanting Loki to reveal a trick or a misdirection that he's been hiding until now.
Instead, he instills in Thor what he already knew was inevitable and he grits his teeth, clenching his jaw for a moment before he opens his eyes again.]
They're sending me, soon. They told me the other day, everything is almost in order.
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What a strange and hurtful thing. Not to be meaningless. What was he, Loki, supposed to do with that? He forces a tremulous smile. ]
Go and make me proud.
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That it came at such a cost is so cruel, it almost makes Thor want to laugh. It exasperates him to know that he has everything here and that he will have to willingly return to nothing. It's as if happiness together is an unattainable goal. Something that comes and goes as it pleases, moving further and further out of reach.
He shuts his eyes, letting Loki wipe away his tears before he opens them again. His gaze is softer this time, he's growing to be at peace with his fate. Somehow.]
You've already made me prouder than you'll ever know. [Thor lets himself laugh, lightly.] Proud and terribly, terribly frustrated.
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I — Why?
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[Thor's smile tenses, because it's a tetchy subject. His hand finds the ever familiar place on Loki's neck and shoulder and he squeezes.]
But I do now.
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Was it true, finally? He blinks away the wet sheen from his eyes. ]
I didn't. I did it for you.
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[There's no uncertainty, Thor's voice is still soft for Loki but it still holds a threat to it. As if he expects Thanos can hear him from here.]
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When I — fell long ago . . . he was the one who found me. Who — taught me many things. Things I never wanted, but I thought — I thought it would make it easier.