[ He considered knocking. Or announcing his presence somehow. But instead he just appears nearby, hands clasped behind his back. He's still nervous, especially since Thor knows part of the truth.
[An announcement would have been preferable, given that Loki's sudden appearance makes Thor jolt.
There's a cup of dog food in his hand, but it spills over the floor and onto his feet, prompting Qiri to begin frenzied scoffing to make sure he doesn't miss a bit of it.
Thor steps around the dog, kicking kibble off his feet as he does. Loki's presence brings an ache to his chest that he's been struggling to ignore, and Thor wonders if he's here to drag him out of the lie they've both been living for the past month. He folds his arms low over his chest and leans back against the counter, restraining himself from grabbing Loki by the collar and shaking him.]
Is there something you want to tell me?
[Because he's pretty sure Taako doesn't keep these things to himself.]
[ Loki swallows, feeling the ache in his throat, one that hasn't quite left him, even though the wound has long healed. The urge to touch it is overwhelming now, especially with Thor's gaze on him. ]
I . . . would have preferred not to. It is an old story, in a way. The ending was long decided when I failed on Earth.
[ If he keeps talking, then maybe he won't shatter. He has dealt with dying so many times and Loki hates that the weakness ails him now, when all those other times, he didn't mind it. He didn't care. But it was ironic that Thanos would take that from him, when he started to care. ]
I took the Tessaract because . . . because I thought we might need it. I gave it to him because he was going to kill you. And I fought him because . . . I am an Odinson. He killed me but you — you survived.
[ And his voice cracks because it was the happiest news he had ever gotten from Stark, from anyone. Thor was alive and at least something that Loki did was good. Tentatively he looks up at Thor. ]
I'm sorry. I am a poor creature and a poorer brother. I always was.
[Thor's ability to remain resilient in the face of loss is probably his strongest quality, so it should say something when he can barely stop his lip quivering when Loki speaks.
He grips the counter behind him so hard that his knuckles are white, and while he's looking at Loki, it's almost as if he's looking past him as he speaks. He's thought about it, and he's sure Loki had a brilliant plan with the Tessaract. It might have worked. Might have.
The word Odinson, however, seems to pull his focus back. It forces him to look Loki in the eye, letting him see the tears forming already. He pushes himself off from the counter, squaring his shoulders as he steps into Loki's personal space like he means to harm him.
Instead, his hands find Loki's shoulders and they grip him tightly. Reminding him that he's here and living.]
You were always my brother. [Thor modifies Loki's claim.] And you always will be.
[ Loki feels himself crumpling, piece by piece as he struggles not to wrap his own arms around Thor, to lean into his brother's warmth. He is undeserving, pathetic even at the end of days. That was his song, his final voice. But other people . . . they were not tired of him. He shudders. ]
[Thor's hesitation melts away as he lets himself feel everything he's held at bay so far. He wasn't ashamed to cry in front of Taako, but he maintained some composure for him and then kept it all to himself from then on.
His head leans down so he can rest their foreheads together, briefly. Loki has been a trouble to him, he won't deny it. Maybe his life would be easier without him, without the betrayal and the search and the fight for him. Maybe this was the only way to rest that cycle.
Maybe. But Thor's world already seems bleaker for it. The glimmers of hope he had for the future are fading with every word he hears about their future. The picture he's had in his head of their battle and their victory together is crumpling far sooner than he thought.]
I don't want you to go. [Thor echoes, soulful. His voice shudders when he says it.] I don't want to live through it.
[ Oh. Oh Thor. Never had Loki thought his brother would say that and his heart aches. Selfish. He knew that but he could never bear Thor's suffering that well. It seemed too heavy a thing for him to truly wish to cause, even when he was bitter. He leans against Thor, brushing his fingers against Thor's neck, soothing and cool. ]
You need to live. And when you'll come back — I'll be here.
[Thor inhales through his nose and breathes out, slowly, through his mouth. It does little to stop the tears, but it stops him from being the blubbering mess he could be.
His hand moves to rest over Loki's and he squeezes his eyes shut, letting himself be soothed. He's desperately wanting Loki to reveal a trick or a misdirection that he's been hiding until now.
Instead, he instills in Thor what he already knew was inevitable and he grits his teeth, clenching his jaw for a moment before he opens his eyes again.]
They're sending me, soon. They told me the other day, everything is almost in order.
[ He wonders which is worse. Loki telling Thor now and Thor returning to that time or if Loki had staved it off. There is no right answer, he finds. And Loki has never liked ignorance, even when he chooses to wield it as his weapon of choice. Instead Loki wipes away Thor's tears as if they were his own. Someone who was crying for him.
What a strange and hurtful thing. Not to be meaningless. What was he, Loki, supposed to do with that? He forces a tremulous smile. ]
[If Loki of all people can force a smile through this, Thor can too. He smiles past the tears, warm as ever as he studies Loki's face. He can't count how many times he's longed for this feeling of resolution with his brother, where everything feels so absolute.
That it came at such a cost is so cruel, it almost makes Thor want to laugh. It exasperates him to know that he has everything here and that he will have to willingly return to nothing. It's as if happiness together is an unattainable goal. Something that comes and goes as it pleases, moving further and further out of reach.
He shuts his eyes, letting Loki wipe away his tears before he opens them again. His gaze is softer this time, he's growing to be at peace with his fate. Somehow.]
You've already made me prouder than you'll ever know. [Thor lets himself laugh, lightly.] Proud and terribly, terribly frustrated.
[ Thor wasn't wrong. There was only one person Loki would do this for. It hadn't changed when they went to Svartalfheim. And it hasn't changed now. His head bows from the weight. I could have done it. The words were a scar on his soul that never fully healed after his fall from the Bifrost. After his father had told him otherwise. His life was spent chasing after that phantom wish.
Was it true, finally? He blinks away the wet sheen from his eyes. ]
[ Loki nods, though whether he believes is another matter altogether. But if Thor believes it, so can Loki. ]
When I — fell long ago . . . he was the one who found me. Who — taught me many things. Things I never wanted, but I thought — I thought it would make it easier.
[ action ]
You really are the worst brother. ]
Thor.
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There's a cup of dog food in his hand, but it spills over the floor and onto his feet, prompting Qiri to begin frenzied scoffing to make sure he doesn't miss a bit of it.
Thor steps around the dog, kicking kibble off his feet as he does. Loki's presence brings an ache to his chest that he's been struggling to ignore, and Thor wonders if he's here to drag him out of the lie they've both been living for the past month. He folds his arms low over his chest and leans back against the counter, restraining himself from grabbing Loki by the collar and shaking him.]
Is there something you want to tell me?
[Because he's pretty sure Taako doesn't keep these things to himself.]
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I . . . would have preferred not to. It is an old story, in a way. The ending was long decided when I failed on Earth.
[ If he keeps talking, then maybe he won't shatter. He has dealt with dying so many times and Loki hates that the weakness ails him now, when all those other times, he didn't mind it. He didn't care. But it was ironic that Thanos would take that from him, when he started to care. ]
I took the Tessaract because . . . because I thought we might need it. I gave it to him because he was going to kill you. And I fought him because . . . I am an Odinson. He killed me but you — you survived.
[ And his voice cracks because it was the happiest news he had ever gotten from Stark, from anyone. Thor was alive and at least something that Loki did was good. Tentatively he looks up at Thor. ]
I'm sorry. I am a poor creature and a poorer brother. I always was.
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He grips the counter behind him so hard that his knuckles are white, and while he's looking at Loki, it's almost as if he's looking past him as he speaks. He's thought about it, and he's sure Loki had a brilliant plan with the Tessaract. It might have worked. Might have.
The word Odinson, however, seems to pull his focus back. It forces him to look Loki in the eye, letting him see the tears forming already. He pushes himself off from the counter, squaring his shoulders as he steps into Loki's personal space like he means to harm him.
Instead, his hands find Loki's shoulders and they grip him tightly. Reminding him that he's here and living.]
You were always my brother. [Thor modifies Loki's claim.] And you always will be.
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I was the worst. The utter worst.
. . . But I didn't want to go.
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His head leans down so he can rest their foreheads together, briefly. Loki has been a trouble to him, he won't deny it. Maybe his life would be easier without him, without the betrayal and the search and the fight for him. Maybe this was the only way to rest that cycle.
Maybe. But Thor's world already seems bleaker for it. The glimmers of hope he had for the future are fading with every word he hears about their future. The picture he's had in his head of their battle and their victory together is crumpling far sooner than he thought.]
I don't want you to go. [Thor echoes, soulful. His voice shudders when he says it.] I don't want to live through it.
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You need to live. And when you'll come back — I'll be here.
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His hand moves to rest over Loki's and he squeezes his eyes shut, letting himself be soothed. He's desperately wanting Loki to reveal a trick or a misdirection that he's been hiding until now.
Instead, he instills in Thor what he already knew was inevitable and he grits his teeth, clenching his jaw for a moment before he opens his eyes again.]
They're sending me, soon. They told me the other day, everything is almost in order.
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What a strange and hurtful thing. Not to be meaningless. What was he, Loki, supposed to do with that? He forces a tremulous smile. ]
Go and make me proud.
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That it came at such a cost is so cruel, it almost makes Thor want to laugh. It exasperates him to know that he has everything here and that he will have to willingly return to nothing. It's as if happiness together is an unattainable goal. Something that comes and goes as it pleases, moving further and further out of reach.
He shuts his eyes, letting Loki wipe away his tears before he opens them again. His gaze is softer this time, he's growing to be at peace with his fate. Somehow.]
You've already made me prouder than you'll ever know. [Thor lets himself laugh, lightly.] Proud and terribly, terribly frustrated.
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I — Why?
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[Thor's smile tenses, because it's a tetchy subject. His hand finds the ever familiar place on Loki's neck and shoulder and he squeezes.]
But I do now.
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Was it true, finally? He blinks away the wet sheen from his eyes. ]
I didn't. I did it for you.
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[There's no uncertainty, Thor's voice is still soft for Loki but it still holds a threat to it. As if he expects Thanos can hear him from here.]
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When I — fell long ago . . . he was the one who found me. Who — taught me many things. Things I never wanted, but I thought — I thought it would make it easier.