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[ This still feels like a bad idea. Or it seems to have the marks of one. Loki doesn't know how to apologize, how to take back what is already done. It would sound fake, trite. It is not in him to truly regret what he's done even if there are moments he would like to take back or smooth over. But he's never been one for contrition. And Loki never will be.

And yet. Thor was caught in one of Odin's lies. At the very least, Loki does not need to leave Thor alone in it. And if Thor prefers to be, well . . . it's easy enough to leave. ]

Hurts, doesn't it? Being lied to.

[ Okay, Loki can't be that helpful. ]

[At this point, Thor isn't even sure an apology is what he wants. It's just words, it would be so easy to lie.

He's thought about it a lot since they argued. He's run it over in his head, he's remembered holding Loki's body in his arms and thinking that was it. Now there's an opportunity for more, and he can't begin to hope it will be good. It hurts to think Loki would rather be dead than be with him, but maybe it would have been the better choice for both of them.

But Loki's actions speak volumes his words never could. He's here, he's offering his own funny variety of comfort and he hasn't used their fight as a reason to put more distance between them.

Thor smiles mirthlessly. The similarities between their situations are not lost on him.]

It's confusing. [And infuriating. He can't help but want to talk about it with someone who might understand.] I've given up trying to understand why he does what he does. I thought I knew him, I thought I was him.

[He shrugs.] If I wasn't ready to know when I came back from Earth the first time, I don't know when I ever would have been in his eyes.

[ Loki circles Thor, a hint of nervousness in his gait. He wonders now, if Thor realized it was Loki that sent Thor back to Earth. Let him keep Mjolnir. He had the throne after all, but he often questioned why Thor fully believed it was Odin who sent him off. Who told him how proud he was.

But perhaps that was how Odin spoke to Thor. And just never to Loki. ]

I do not think you will ever give up trying to understand the All-Father or be like him. The man is a pinnacle of achievement after all. He brought the Golden Age to the Nine Realms. And your father.

[ Loki shrugs loosely, even if he doesn't quite make eye-contact. ]

The legend does not match with the man. He is a king first before anything else.

Is that what someone needs to be like, when they take the throne? All the weight of your power and you keep it all to yourself. Carry it all yourself.

[In case it wasn't apparent that he's been having doubts about his desire to rule.]

I know we didn't always agree, and I still don't really understand him but.. I never doubted that he loved me. [Until now.]

[ He blinks. ]

Well . . . yes. What did you think the throne would be like? It's not meant to be fun. The All-Father had no real advisers, he barely listened to the Queen.

[ Still, hearing Thor doubt Odin's love was . . . troubling. Even to Loki. ]

Of course he loved you. He banished you with the means to end your own banishment. You think he hands out those kinds of exceptions freely?

I never said it would be fun. [He doesn't snap, but his tone is defensive. He already feels like a fool, he's not keen to continue doing so.]

I was worthy enough to return, but not worthy enough to know my own powers. [He considers.] I suppose he thought we'd just find things out on our own.

[He almost holds his tongue, but he can't help it.] He must have been disappointed when he realised we're both fools.

[ Loki rears back as if stung, because the All-Father's disapproval still hangs over him like a cloud, a distant goal that Loki deep down still believes he can reach. That he can attain. In his darker dreams, he still thinks that someday, maybe someday, he could go home and all will be well.

Mere dreams.

His shoulders slump slightly. ]

It is best not to probe the All-Father's mind.

[Thor seems to notice the way Loki rears back, but he won't acknowledge it. He loses himself in his thoughts, drawing connections before he smiles faintly.]

He does things I could never imagine doing, I don't always understand why but I still love him as I did when I was a boy. [He looks up at Loki, with a raised brow.]

And that won't change.

[ And like that, a frisson of anger runs through Loki, making him ball his hands up in fists as he grits his teeth, losing his temper. ]

He lied to you! Who knows what else he has hidden away, what other things he deemed necessary without ever consulting you, without ever thinking of anything but himself and his future!

[ Yes, it's ironic, but Loki was strung out since his fight, the subsequent brief fall out with Taako and the stress that whatever changes he had made were utterly useless. He recognizes it, but it does not stop him. ]

He's never going to change!

[The anger comes a surprise to Thor. His brows shoot upward, but he lowers them in order to give his brother the flatest look imaginable.]

What would you have me do? Kill him? [He laughs, exasperated.]

There will be a long line of others awaiting the same punishment.

[ Loki stops short at that, colour leeching from his face. He's never going to change, he thinks numbly. Perhaps that is what he wanted. Loki wanted his father to change his mind but he wasn't going to. Just like Loki wasn't going to change. Perhaps he and Odin were not so different after all. His fingers uncurl and drop uselessly to his sides. ]

Like me.

I thought you were supposed to be clever.

[Thor observes, dryly.]

I don't expect change of Father. He's probably a million years old, by now. If he's changing, he's getting ready to die. [It hurts to think about it, but it's true.]

Other people have their whole lives ahead of them. Maybe they shouldn't commit themselves to one way of living before they've started to grey.

[ His lips twitch into a weak smile, but it's clear Loki's heart isn't into it. ]

What do you expect then?

I expect nothing. I hope for everything.

[Very cheesy, but it needed to be said.]

I hope for our futures to intertwine again, but if we need to go our seperate ways then I can abide by it.

[ Moments pass and it seems like Loki is ready to leave. He's said too much and the weight of it hangs over them like a noose. Taako said he had changed and Taako wasn't given to lying. Steve had said as much too. But so much of Loki wonders how much he was lying or whether he was, without even knowing it.

But Thor says I expect nothing and it feels like that weight has slightly lifted. Tentatively he reaches out to squeeze Thor's shoulder. ]

I am sorry about Father.

[ I am sorry about me, but Loki would never say that. He never will. ]

[The squeeze of his shoulder is more comforting than Loki probably even realises. Thor is starting to withdraw, somewhat. He feels less persistent about salvaging their relationship and yet, more confident that Loki will be fine on his own.

Sometimes he wonders if it would be better for them both if he were to leave this place alone. Leave Loki to his life, let him grow, do as he pleases without wondering what Thor will want of him.

Thor pats Loki's hand, but he can't help himself from holding onto it for a few seconds.]

He's in for a rude awakening, I'm sure. Maybe when I find him, we'll talk about it. Maybe he'll never bring it up so long as I have Mjolnir with me. It's not as if I'll lose it any time soon.

[He chuckles at the mere thought of actually losing his hammer.]

I think I understand a little better. Why you felt the way you did.